im sorry to hear youre sorta in the same boat as me. 😦 i wouldnt wish it on anyone. my mum says im getting better with time, but i think shes just tryin to make me feel better…
at least you have silver, tho! people might disagree, but i think animals are just as good at being friends as humans are. theyre just as “real”, even if they cant talk!
i wish i could give you a real answer to your question, but honestly… i have no clue. i never really “made” friends, they just sorta fell into my lap. i got really lucky. kenzie just sorta came to my rescue one day, she introduced me to veronica… i didnt really do a darn thing. i guess they keep hanging out with me because we have things in common.
so i guess—maybe find someone else interested in horses? talk about silver? and smile, lots. my mum always says smiling makes everybody like you. i think it sounds silly, but maybe shes right. cant hurt to try!
im glad reading all this makes you feel a bit stronger—some days, it makes me feel like that, too. im really not as strong as i seem, i think—you guys say that a lot, but writing it and living it are two different things. i think i try to talk myself up a lot, so i believe what i say—but your guyses encouragement helps more than you know. so thank you, for that. 🙂
I smiled as I read the answer from Margo. She had to be the sweetest person on this planet and I was happy that she had answered my e-mail, even though the advises she gave me probably wouldn’t help. Friends doesn’t “fall in to my lap”, unfortunately. And smiling? What did I have to smile about, really? And who would want to listen to me talking about horses? I don’t know… In a way it does sound like good answers and good advises but then again, it’s me we’re talking about. Not even the best advise would help, would it?
I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Calum. I hated him more and more for every day for intruding in my life and violating my sanctuary. And it bugged me that both mom and Margo’s advises pointed towards befriending him. I’m not saying I hadn’t considered it, because I did and I came to the conclusion that if that was what friends I was offered I’d rather pass. Silver would be enough.
I know I’m sounding like a broken record: Silver, Silver, Silver. But don’t say I didn’t warn you even before I started telling you my story. You should have voted for Abel, I told you. However, for some reason, I got the most votes. So you’ll have to be happy about me and Silver, for now.
“Silver, Silver. What would I do without you?” I had gone to visit him after school again. Him and the other horses in the barn. It was the only thing I looked forward to during the days, so how could I not go? Just as always, he had a healing effect on me and I imagined him understanding my every feeling.
“His name isn’t Silver, you know.” It was him. And he did it again. Destroyed the moment, interrupted my peace. I shot an angry glance at him. I had been stupid even considering taking mom’s advice and give him a chance. As if he wanted to be my friend? Pfft. “But it’s not.” He didn’t cave for my suppressed anger. “It’s Winston the Widow Maker.”
He laughed and I hated how priggish he was. “You can call him Silver if you want. But his real name is Winston the Widow Maker. Trust me, I would know.”
“Oh yea?” I raised an eyebrow and turned towards him. He nodded eagerly and smiled even wider.
“Luna Lord, I would know the name of my horse, don’t you think?” He started walking towards me and my hand automatically dropped from Silver’s muffle and I had to focus really hard to not gasp. His horse? Just great, fudging GREAT!
“Your horse?” I didn’t believe it for a second. He stopped just in front of me and smiled again. “Friends?” he asked and stretched his hand out towards me. I just turned around and walked over to one of the other horses. Tears burned in my eyes. I hated him. And Winston the Widow Maker was such a dull name.
A couple of minutes passed. Creme Champagne wasn’t as fantastic as Silver, and I couldn’t help to glance over at Calum and Silver now and then. Each time I saw them together I felt a sting of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. “It’s a really dull name” I eventually said, loud enough for it to catch Calum’s ears. He smiled and said “I know. I just never changed it. It’s his breeder name. But I shorten it to Winston. It’s good enough.”
I muttered to myself: “Silver is better.”
“I don’t mind if you call him Silver. He kind of looks like a Silver. But I’ll have trouble calling him that… He’s been a Winston for so many years.” Calum looked at me as he spoke and he carefully handled Silver (or Winston) while we spoke. I was amazed by the gentle and accustomed way he touched and handled Silver. I never thought boys could be with horses like that. I had probably hoped that only I could be with Silver like that. “He really likes you. I think that’s why I want to be your friend. If Winston approve you like he does it means you are a good person. He’s really good at sensing such things.” Calum smiled as he spoke to me.
I didn’t want to speak to him, I wanted to hate him. But there was something about him that had me intrigued. Maybe it was the fact that he actually seemed genuinely interested in me. Or maybe it was because there was no teasing tone in his voice, no hate in his eyes. Maybe it was the fact that he was amazing with Silver. Maybe mom was right. Maybe he deserved a chance.
“He’ll always be Silver to me” I said and stopped petting Creme Champagne. I looked straight at him and it was the first time in many weeks that I had ever looked in to a stranger’s eyes without seeing fury and hate. I didn’t know what this was, I couldn’t read him at all. At least not until he smiled. When he did, it was as if someone lit a candle in his eyes. They sparkled with a warm light and it made me feel good. It felt as though I could trust him.
A feeling of regret suddenly struck me. “Sorry…” I muttered low, but not low enough to escape his ears.
“It’s okay. I know how you feel, I think. It’s hard to trust anyone in your situation. Our situation.”
“Why would they pick on you for being black? It doesn’t make any sense. A lot of people are black. My grandma and my aunt, for example. And gosh, Nathan is black and he is the all-mighty alpha douche in school.” I still couldn’t believe that this guy was in the same boat as me. There was no reason.
“There’s no logic in bullying” he simply said. “Your brother has the same parents as you and no one picks on him either. It’s just a fact of choosing sides. I would never do what they do.” I carefully took his words in consideration. I hadn’t even thought about the weird logic in me being bullied because of my parents when Abel wasn’t. “And really, teasing you because your name rhymes with something? It’s really lame” Calum continued and smiled towards me.
It was confusing for me, speaking with someone my own age without my defending wall. I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I stood quiet for a couple of seconds before I decided on something to say, still not sure whether it was the right thing or not. “I wouldn’t do what they do either.” It was true, I knew that much. No one deserved to feel like I did.
“We could be friends” Calum tried again and looked at me with hope in his eyes. “It will be a lot easier to ignore them if we are two.” I knew he was right. I needed a friend. But he was a guy. It wasn’t right to have a friend of the opposite sex, it would sure give them another reason to pick on us. I wasn’t sure if it was worth it.
I had almost decided it wasn’t when Calum started petting Silver again, and suddenly it was clear. If I was to have a friend at all, he would be the one. And Margo’s advise popped in to my head: “Try to find someone who likes horses too”. He was the one. Calum would be my friend.
Once I had decided, it was as though a rock was lifted from my shoulders and I smiled. Everything would be easier and better from now.
The lovely Margo Kane, who Luna has been mailing with, is from kaleekalo’s story Desperate Sims. The e-mail at the start of the chapter is an answer written by kaleekalo herself (or by Margo herself, actually) to the e-mail Luna sent in the last chapter. 🙂